He knelt down in front of Jack and Gwen. He turned to Gwen first.

‘I don’t know if either of you can hear me, but if I don’t make it back from this… Gwen, sometimes you drive me bloody mad, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. You’re brilliant, and gorgeous, and so brave, and we’re lucky to have you.’

He turned to Jack.

‘Jack. You know how I feel. I think I know how you feel. You brought me back from the brink, so many times, and made me feel so alive. I didn’t think I’d ever feel like that again. So thank you. In all the madness, you’re the one person I know I can rely on. And that counts for a hell of a lot.’ He hesitated, then grinned. ‘Also, you’ve got a great arse. But you already know that.’

Ianto stood up again and went to a computer screen. ‘If anything goes wrong, you’ll both be looked after. I mean, in the way you wanted.’

He recorded a video message for Rhys, explaining what had happened, and what to do. Then he recorded another one for Martha Jones at UNIT, telling her what to do with Jack if Ianto didn’t make it back. He knew he could rely on her to do what was necessary. Sure, she’d probably spend a few months trying to figure out another way to cure them – and who knows, maybe she’d even succeed – but if it came to it, she’d finish the job as Ianto had asked. He closed the messages, and set up the server to send them in twenty-four hours. If he didn’t come back, then at least things would be taken care of.

He turned back to Jack and Gwen.

‘Right, then. I’ll be off. Do some killing and maiming. Hopefully I’ll see you soon.’

Before he left, he gave Jack one last kiss. And he made sure it was a good one.

He looked at Gwen after kissing Jack. He shrugged, and gave her a long kiss too, one that was almost as good as the one he’d given Jack. He glanced over at Jack. ‘What? Not like you don’t get to snog everyone. And I think I deserve it.’

‘But we’re one person short,’ said the alien. ‘Where is Jones? Where is the tea boy?’

‘I’m here,’ said Ianto suddenly.

BANG! The alien’s head exploded in a fountain of blood, and his camouflage suit shorted out, revealing his body, which stayed standing for a moment before crumpling to the floor. Ianto blew the smoke from the end of the shotgun, and removed his night vision goggles. He glared at the alien. ‘And I’m not the tea boy. I’m the coffee boy.’

The Savage interrupted him. ‘But isn’t it natural to feel there’s a God?’

'You might as well ask if it’s natural to do up one’s trousers with zippers,’ said the Controller sarcastically. 'You remind me of another of those old fellows called Bradley. He defined philosophy as the finding of bad reason for what one believes by instinct. As if one believed anything by instinct! One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them. Finding bad reasons for what one believes for other bad reasons–that’s philosophy. People believe in God because they’ve been conditioned to.’

Jack swung the SUV into the sharp turn without even slowing.

The tyres made a screeching hiss on the wet tarmac.

‘Whoa there, Mr Testosterone,’ Ianto said dryly. 'There’s no need to impress me with your crazy stunt driving.’

'Never walk when you can run, Ianto,’ Jack said heartily.

'Never die when you can live,’ Ianto muttered, and then added, 'Oh, I was forgetting – you don’t.’

He stuck his head around the serving hatch and grinned at Ianto and Gwen as they wrestled a ‘glandular’ lady in a plastic tiara back out of the doors and away from her precious buckets of fried bird. 'Having fun?’ he asked, then chuckled at the expressive hand gestures they offered.

'I have bruises,’ said Ianto, 'on places that have never been bruised in the line of duty before.’

'That rather depends on what you consider your duty,’ said Jack, kissing him on the cheek and waving at the large lady now stuck on the outside of the glass.