I wanted to run away with him.

I’ve learned that withdrawal can be a strategy to avoid pain. I have a deep vein of cripple’s anger in me. While I can’t get rid of it, I’ve made it work for me. It’s fueled my independence.

You may as well have struck the match.

Why not appeal to my better nature?

Fair enough.

What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict.
Or negotiate.
I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar.

If you don’t kill him, you’re afraid you are going to become him.
Yes.
There are means of influence other than violence.

All I need is a stream.
In those moments where you can’t overcome your surroundings, you can make it all go away.
Put my head back, close my eyes, wade into the quiet of the stream.